Friday, March 14, 2014

Jane's Dating Adventure: A Sneak Peek Into My Box

Message box, that is.  What were you thinking?

Just like any other time I mean to write a deep, meaningful, serious blog entry, I think of nothing but funny blog topics, and then my little brain starts chugging away in all different directions. So here we are.

Anyways, I've reevaluated my priorities and just how willing I am to wade through the epic horse shit that is online dating profiles, and the resounding results show that I'm not all that willing. It's funny, don't get me wrong, but if I read that one more guy is "laid-back, easy-going and adventurous", I'm going to stab someone in the eye with a pick axe (no doubt my pick axe from my super adventurous trip unearthing rare fossils in Egypt - lookit how adventurous and exciting I am!). 

I fear, however, that not a lot of people really get what I mean when I talk about the ridiculous shit I get from guys online. "No guy can be that stupid" or "Are you serious that that one guy said that?" Well, ladies and gents, I do know how to read, and I'm with you - I didn't think guys could be that ridiculous. 

Oh, how wrong I was.

And this blog entry I'll be using my good ol' pal, screen shots. Because let's face it - I can. And if your OK Cupid username has the word "penis" in it, let's face it - you've got bigger issues than me screen shotting you in my blog.

So I give you - the best of the best of the best jackasses and hopeless folks of online dating.

This gentleman, "William, The Puerto Rican" seems genuine and kind of information generator.  This was the first message I got from Sir William, and yet I did not reply. As much as I want a dude with a boat.

This guy was a doozy. Apparently he was SUPER interested until I told him that I wasn't looking for a hook up. Then strangely enough, Mr. Looking For Eventual Love disappeared. Oops.

This guy was interesting in a self-deprecating way.  He was a VERY handsome man of black and Irish heritage, tall tall tall, and seemed promising. What made him not my type was the two children he had with two women, both of whom were in fierce custody battles with him.  Look, I have a hard enough time keeping my own shit in line most of the time, I don't need to invite anyone else's to the fruit basket party.

Now, THIS DUDE. OH LAWD.  All he wanted to do was kiss. Just meet up for a "spontaneous makeout session, no pressure".  This kinda sounds like the perfect "How To Catch A Predator" situation. I'd be surprised NOT ONE BIT if I saw Chris Hansen pop out of the bushes with a camera crew.  Note the date: November 16th.  This Eric dudebro had first messaged me IN JUNE. This means it had been going on for FIVE MONTHS of still trying to get together to make out. I told him I'd be willing to meet him for a drink, some dinner so we could get together and know each other. He said that was too much pressure. Uh.... are you a real human being?  And then the dick pics came. And oh, my. Some gents shouldn't send dick pics. Especially completely unsolicited dick pics. Because when a woman says "no", it actually means "send me a picture of your genitals".  But to Eric, I say thank you. I've sent your dick pics to several other homeboys who feel the need to show me their manhood. I send them yours and say "I didn't know we were playing show and tell!"

Now, we've looked at some of the gentleman who have talked to me.  We haven't talked about the people I just see as I peruse through the sites.

He must have a great personality. 

Again - GREAT smile. Very open and he seems personable. 

And the coup de grace: I had sent a guy a message just saying hi and made some breezy yet charming joke about something on his profile *flips hair and laughs* and this is the message I received back.  I have never face-palmed harder in my LIFE. This and this alone was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back for me for online dating. 

You, Mr. "I'll Be Upfront And Honest" are a gem.  While you ARE honest and up front, you leave a lot to be desired in any kind of company. 

The above representation of online guys is probably why I've gone pretty silent on the online dating front. I'll pop into my profile once a week or so just to see who's creeping around, but generally it's the same vermin who've been around before. 

Up next - another dating entry, but from my perspective on other people's dating life :-) Stay tuned, my lovely readers! 

1 comment:

  1. Funny stuph. I haven't tried this online shit and don't plan to!