Ladies and gents, I'm not ashamed to say that I've got a *major* anxiety problem. I can take the most mundane, minute thing and swirl it and twirl it and blow it up until it's a tsunami hurdling towards tons of innocent people who just wanted to go about their day without seeing my crazy shitshow.
I got put on anxiety meds last winter when I went in to my doctor and calmly and specifically outlined my symptoms.
Oh wait, that didn't happen. I went in and bawled my face off like a little fat kid who'd just had her ice cream cone swatted out of her little ham hands and stomped on. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't talk, I just cried until my doc finally got me to take some big breaths and stop acting like I just watched the saddest parts of Terms of Endearments, My Girl, Moulin Rouge and Patch Adams all at once.
What it boiled down to was - I just wanted my brain to slow down.
Once I got on my meds, I was fine! I started to calm down, and no longer did spilled milk mean losing my freaking mind and breaking down.
Well, my friends guess what? Since I was the total fool that forgot to fill my prescription before leaving my old job, I've been out of my anxiety meds for months now and I'm back to wallowing in the crazy end of the kiddie pool. It's really quite frustrating, because it is despite popular belief, NOT the most fun someone could have. I've really struggled with not over analyzing every letter of every text or email until it's this swirling dervish of crazy that makes me think that someone might die.
You may laugh, but it's gotten that bad before. On several occasions.
Dabbling in this crazy brain of mine always makes me think of the stigma people have about asking for help. My part-time roommate and I talked about this last night in depth and what is so frustrating is the cost of such treatments. Therapy? Let's talk about $200 an HOUR, plus the $30-70 copay, plus we'll see if insurance will cover it.
Let's delve right into my history again. I started going to therapy when I was in high school - probably 15 or 16. I was a pissed off, angsty, anxiety-ridden teen with a big middle finger for a lot of people. My parents set up this appointment for me and I remember distinctly what I wore: a hot pink colored t-shirt with a screen-print of the Pink Panther on it, paired with hot pink skater-poser-ish pants with gigantically comical wide legs. (Tasha, you know what pants I'm talking about and I blame you for them.)
Anyways, shopping for a therapist is kind of like shopping for a prom dress. You try some on, some look good on the rack but horrible on you, and some you just want to throw off a building roof and hope it lands in traffic...
Okay, so maybe shopping for a therapist isn't exactly like shopping for a prom dress, but it's a VERY intimate relationship you build with a therapist. You're sitting in a room with someone who is practically a stranger and telling them everything that's wrong with you. You obviously want to get along with them before showing them all your crazy parts. I got really lucky and hit it off with my therapist after one session - other people need to shop for therapists - try a session out with a few to find out who meshes with you. And trust me; some do NOT mesh with you. It's like a first date: you walk in and you get your first impression. After a few minutes you start to either jive or try jumping out the bathroom window. Finding therapists is a LOT like that. Other things to consider: parking lots/ramps, location of office, bathroom cleanliness, types of magazines in waiting room, availability of candy and/or snick-snacks in office. (True story, the best office my therapist ever had was a few towns over, but had hot cocoa, coffee, AND candy in the waiting room. The fat kid in me took over most of my high school years...)
Anyways, I met with my therapist every Thursday evening for several YEARS and I have to tell you - it was a life saver. There were days where all I did was talk about what I did in school that week, or how my horse riding lesson went, or why my boyfriend at the time was an asshole (okay, there were a lot of days like that), and she always was there with a completely unbiased opinion and some sage advice. And when I say 'unbiased', I mean totally unbiased. She didn't know my friends from Adam, and she came from a completely objective spot, which is something I feel everyone needs in their corner. But there were times where we talked about some really heavy shit that I didn't want to talk to anyone else about, and it was comforting to know that she was there for me, to help me figure all the crap and the angst out so I didn't have to do it alone.
When my aunt died unexpectedly a few years back, I saw the university shrink at my college. Our one hour session turned into nearly two and a half hours. I hadn't seen a therapist in a few years and clearly I had some crazy built up waiting for a source or release.
I don't shy away from talking about therapy. I think everyone should have a therapist; I think it should be a mandatory thing for employees to do. If you get the job, you're given free rein to find a therapist and let the head-shrinking begin. It's never been a sign of weakness to ask for help from others - it's a point of pride to know when and where to ask for help; taking the first step is crucial to being better.
You want resources? This is what I did. I went to the almighty Google, and typed in "I need to find a therapist" and BAM, like a million results came back. You can find one in your city based on your needs!!
Have a wonderful Wednesday, folks :)
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
The Smile Project
I've been toying with a social experiment, and since I now work in a hospital, I think it might be the perfect time to try it out.
I call it The Smile Project. It's painfully simple. Everyone you come across during your day, you flash your biggest, brightest, pearliest white smile. Not cheesy, parade-worthy or creepy - just a genuine smile. Mentally take notes of the reactions you get. Do it for a whole day, a whole week or (if you're really ambitious) an entire month.
Sounds simple, right? Just smile. You think you may have this down pat already but really think about it. How many times do you genuinely smile at some stranger as you cross the street or pass them in a busy hallway?
But HOLD THE DAMN PHONES, FOLKS. It's harder than you think!!! I've been working on this for WEEKS now and it is DEFINITELY easier said than done. I tend to have a very stern walkin' face - a "get the eff outta my way, Grandma" kind of face. When I'm driving, if I pass people I inevitably always give them a really mean kinda mug. Because who hasn't been in the situation of "Ummmm HELLOOOOO do you SEE the speed limit!?!? Why are you going like 6 miles an hour!?!?!? Get outta the left lane!!"
You get my drift. But my own emotional state totally comes into play. If I'm grumpy, it's hard for me to smile at others, because if I'm unhappy, ain't nobody happy, am I right?
No, I'm not right. Smiling at others makes them feel good, special and noticed, and it makes ME feel good. Even if I'm in a crappy mood.
So dear readers, here is my challenge to you all in the upcoming week: SMILE!! Show off those pearly whites, and see how it makes you feel. Report your findings!
:) And no, emoticons DON'T count!
I call it The Smile Project. It's painfully simple. Everyone you come across during your day, you flash your biggest, brightest, pearliest white smile. Not cheesy, parade-worthy or creepy - just a genuine smile. Mentally take notes of the reactions you get. Do it for a whole day, a whole week or (if you're really ambitious) an entire month.
Sounds simple, right? Just smile. You think you may have this down pat already but really think about it. How many times do you genuinely smile at some stranger as you cross the street or pass them in a busy hallway?
But HOLD THE DAMN PHONES, FOLKS. It's harder than you think!!! I've been working on this for WEEKS now and it is DEFINITELY easier said than done. I tend to have a very stern walkin' face - a "get the eff outta my way, Grandma" kind of face. When I'm driving, if I pass people I inevitably always give them a really mean kinda mug. Because who hasn't been in the situation of "Ummmm HELLOOOOO do you SEE the speed limit!?!? Why are you going like 6 miles an hour!?!?!? Get outta the left lane!!"
You get my drift. But my own emotional state totally comes into play. If I'm grumpy, it's hard for me to smile at others, because if I'm unhappy, ain't nobody happy, am I right?
No, I'm not right. Smiling at others makes them feel good, special and noticed, and it makes ME feel good. Even if I'm in a crappy mood.
So dear readers, here is my challenge to you all in the upcoming week: SMILE!! Show off those pearly whites, and see how it makes you feel. Report your findings!
:) And no, emoticons DON'T count!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Raw Milk: yay or yuck?
Let's open this blog up to this audience! In my other blog I posted this about raw milk and it's been generating some great discussion and buzz - so I want to open it up to this corner of the blog world! Enjoy :)
Ladies and gentlemen of the world, I have spent time in a dairy facility, I've worked for a noted dairy manufacturer in the Midwest, and I enjoy every facet of dairy products, fried or otherwise.
I will not drink raw milk. Refuse is a harsh word, so I'll just say "will not".
It all started with Facebook (doesn't everything?). I'm part of a "group" that discusses recent fitness and diet trends with insanely logical and level headedness that I LOVE. Do you ever notice that how on the Internet people can get downright nasty about defending their opinions and beliefs? I mean, that's okay to believe in what you want to believe in, just don't rub it in everyone's faces or shove it down their throats.
Anyways, I had brought up the topic of raw milk and how I (PERSONALLY) do not believe it should be sold in grocery stores for retail consumption. The reaction I got was fairly mixed, but equally passionate on each side. For the record (thanks Internet), these are some of the actual responses. Anonymity is great, ain't it? ;-)
"We've been drinking it for about four years. I go to the farm to get it, I've met the cows that produce it. Each person should have a choice. And it's not anything at all like selling canned goods that haven't been processed properly.
And FTR. - there have been more cases of food borne illness/death from spinach, cantaloupe and eggs in the past than from raw milk. Should we take those items out of stores?"
"Raised on a farm. We always strained then boiled our milk. Goat and cow. I would never take my chances with raw milk."
"govt's [sic] got shitty standards. can't knowingly put food with pathogens on the shelf, but they'll gladly put carcinogenic items like cigarettes and margarine for some good sales. i don't drink milk (i don't think humans should be drinking animal milk meant for baby animals), but that's beside the point. i'm just saying that maybe we shouldn't be listening to the government so much...since...well, they're a business. FDA is headed up by the ex-prez of monsanto. FDA tells gov't what to recommend for us to eat. i'm not listening to that shit."
"We've been drinking raw milk from a clean environment, with healthy animals, for years with no ill effects. The idea that alll foods must be free of all living organisms before they are safe to consume is inaccurate. Pasteurize all kraut and yogurt? Cook all vegetables? To be unduly frightened of microscopic living organisms is to be afraid of life itself."
"If raw milk isn't safe, mothers should be required to pump and sterilize before feeding breastmilk to their infants... right?"
"I have to agree, I know it's supposed to be good for you, but it just doesn't seem right. I don't feel right giving it to my daughter...we do coconut milk and almond milk I have heard people do really well with raw milk, but it scares me."
Here is my opinion. From working towards my first degree in Food Science, now working towards my second degree in Dietetics, working in kitchens for the past 10 years, and working for a dairy manufacturer, I think I need to side with the FDA on this one. They require that any milk produced for retail consumption be pasteurized to be free of pathogens that can cause illness. It kills harmful bacteria and does not alter the nutritional content of milk. Raw milk is (in my brain) the equivalent of canning vegetables without retorting the cans (pressure cooking them to seal and actually "can" them).
My analogy is this: There is water in Mexico. Some people have been drinking the water in Mexico for years and do wonderfully on it. They don't get sick, they feel great, and it's all fine and dandy. This does not mean you won't get sick if you go to Mexico and drink the water. There is bacteria in the water in Mexico that will make some people sick. Folks who have been drinking it for years (locals) do not get sick because their systems have grown used to it.
Same thing with raw milk. I know plenty of people who have been drinking raw milk and who have grown up on farms drinking raw milk and no one ever gets sick and they think it's the best thing since sliced bread. There are other people who have been hospitalized with major foodborne illnesses because of drinking raw milk.
Along with people getting sick, if raw milk was "readily" available and someone got sick, would the farm take the blame? What if there was an outbreak of foodborne illness due to raw milk consumption?
How about you? Where do you fall in the debate on raw milk? Are you pro-raw milk or anti-raw milk? Or just pro-dairy?
I'd like to know your thoughts!
http://www.fda.gov/Food/ResourcesForYou/consumers/ucm079516.htm
http://www.realmilk.com/
Ladies and gentlemen of the world, I have spent time in a dairy facility, I've worked for a noted dairy manufacturer in the Midwest, and I enjoy every facet of dairy products, fried or otherwise.
I will not drink raw milk. Refuse is a harsh word, so I'll just say "will not".
It all started with Facebook (doesn't everything?). I'm part of a "group" that discusses recent fitness and diet trends with insanely logical and level headedness that I LOVE. Do you ever notice that how on the Internet people can get downright nasty about defending their opinions and beliefs? I mean, that's okay to believe in what you want to believe in, just don't rub it in everyone's faces or shove it down their throats.
Anyways, I had brought up the topic of raw milk and how I (PERSONALLY) do not believe it should be sold in grocery stores for retail consumption. The reaction I got was fairly mixed, but equally passionate on each side. For the record (thanks Internet), these are some of the actual responses. Anonymity is great, ain't it? ;-)
"We've been drinking it for about four years. I go to the farm to get it, I've met the cows that produce it. Each person should have a choice. And it's not anything at all like selling canned goods that haven't been processed properly.
And FTR. - there have been more cases of food borne illness/death from spinach, cantaloupe and eggs in the past than from raw milk. Should we take those items out of stores?"
"Raised on a farm. We always strained then boiled our milk. Goat and cow. I would never take my chances with raw milk."
"govt's [sic] got shitty standards. can't knowingly put food with pathogens on the shelf, but they'll gladly put carcinogenic items like cigarettes and margarine for some good sales. i don't drink milk (i don't think humans should be drinking animal milk meant for baby animals), but that's beside the point. i'm just saying that maybe we shouldn't be listening to the government so much...since...well, they're a business. FDA is headed up by the ex-prez of monsanto. FDA tells gov't what to recommend for us to eat. i'm not listening to that shit."
"We've been drinking raw milk from a clean environment, with healthy animals, for years with no ill effects. The idea that alll foods must be free of all living organisms before they are safe to consume is inaccurate. Pasteurize all kraut and yogurt? Cook all vegetables? To be unduly frightened of microscopic living organisms is to be afraid of life itself."
"If raw milk isn't safe, mothers should be required to pump and sterilize before feeding breastmilk to their infants... right?"
"I have to agree, I know it's supposed to be good for you, but it just doesn't seem right. I don't feel right giving it to my daughter...we do coconut milk and almond milk I have heard people do really well with raw milk, but it scares me."
Here is my opinion. From working towards my first degree in Food Science, now working towards my second degree in Dietetics, working in kitchens for the past 10 years, and working for a dairy manufacturer, I think I need to side with the FDA on this one. They require that any milk produced for retail consumption be pasteurized to be free of pathogens that can cause illness. It kills harmful bacteria and does not alter the nutritional content of milk. Raw milk is (in my brain) the equivalent of canning vegetables without retorting the cans (pressure cooking them to seal and actually "can" them).
My analogy is this: There is water in Mexico. Some people have been drinking the water in Mexico for years and do wonderfully on it. They don't get sick, they feel great, and it's all fine and dandy. This does not mean you won't get sick if you go to Mexico and drink the water. There is bacteria in the water in Mexico that will make some people sick. Folks who have been drinking it for years (locals) do not get sick because their systems have grown used to it.
Same thing with raw milk. I know plenty of people who have been drinking raw milk and who have grown up on farms drinking raw milk and no one ever gets sick and they think it's the best thing since sliced bread. There are other people who have been hospitalized with major foodborne illnesses because of drinking raw milk.
Along with people getting sick, if raw milk was "readily" available and someone got sick, would the farm take the blame? What if there was an outbreak of foodborne illness due to raw milk consumption?
How about you? Where do you fall in the debate on raw milk? Are you pro-raw milk or anti-raw milk? Or just pro-dairy?
I'd like to know your thoughts!
http://www.fda.gov/Food/ResourcesForYou/consumers/ucm079516.htm
http://www.realmilk.com/
Monday, March 18, 2013
Ironman's On Its Way...
And hopefully I am too!
Work has recently had me out of town, and without thinking I didn't pack any gym clothes, sneakers or anything to get my sweat on. SO I've been doing push ups and planks at my temporary home. Tonight I may head out to get a new sports bra (the girls will NOT behave otherwise).
But being out of town DOES have it's benefits. I finally have time to read through all my powerpoints for school, I haven't just sat online looking up ridiculous recipes and DIY projects that I obviously will never have the time nor patience to execute, and I've been able to catch up with my good buddy Abby! Plus, the never-ending Friends marathon is never a bad thing.
But I think I've got a good schedule of workouts figured out for Ironman training, and I'll have to adjust them for the rest of the winter driving weather. And hopefully, HOPEFULLY, spring will be right around the corner and I won't need to worry about leaving for work 3 hours before my shift starts to make the barely over 1hr drive there. Although gripping the steering wheel until white knuckles has done wonders on my grip strength :)
Anyways, after a few months of half-training, my fears have changed a bit. Before, I was TERRIFIED of the swim, and not at all frightened of the bike and run. Now I'm decently comfortable with the swim, but after a 90 minute cycling session I've realized that I'm not quite as conditioned as I remember. Plus, sitting on a bike seat that dramatic causes such an insane loss of feeling in your butt that's unlike anything. So. Painful!
I've also stayed away from the running aspect, which I suspect I've got to get back to it, and soon. 13.1 miles won't run themselves after a 1.2 mile swim and a 56 mile bike ride....
Anyway, just a short little update from me today. Hoping to post more of a "meaty" post later in the week :) Maybe I'll update you guys on my eating, or outline some of my meals.
Either way, stay tuned! :)
Work has recently had me out of town, and without thinking I didn't pack any gym clothes, sneakers or anything to get my sweat on. SO I've been doing push ups and planks at my temporary home. Tonight I may head out to get a new sports bra (the girls will NOT behave otherwise).
But being out of town DOES have it's benefits. I finally have time to read through all my powerpoints for school, I haven't just sat online looking up ridiculous recipes and DIY projects that I obviously will never have the time nor patience to execute, and I've been able to catch up with my good buddy Abby! Plus, the never-ending Friends marathon is never a bad thing.
But I think I've got a good schedule of workouts figured out for Ironman training, and I'll have to adjust them for the rest of the winter driving weather. And hopefully, HOPEFULLY, spring will be right around the corner and I won't need to worry about leaving for work 3 hours before my shift starts to make the barely over 1hr drive there. Although gripping the steering wheel until white knuckles has done wonders on my grip strength :)
Anyways, after a few months of half-training, my fears have changed a bit. Before, I was TERRIFIED of the swim, and not at all frightened of the bike and run. Now I'm decently comfortable with the swim, but after a 90 minute cycling session I've realized that I'm not quite as conditioned as I remember. Plus, sitting on a bike seat that dramatic causes such an insane loss of feeling in your butt that's unlike anything. So. Painful!
I've also stayed away from the running aspect, which I suspect I've got to get back to it, and soon. 13.1 miles won't run themselves after a 1.2 mile swim and a 56 mile bike ride....
Anyway, just a short little update from me today. Hoping to post more of a "meaty" post later in the week :) Maybe I'll update you guys on my eating, or outline some of my meals.
Either way, stay tuned! :)
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Stories from a Hipster Coffeehouse
So I'm sitting in a coffee shop in the town where I work, *working* before I head to work this morning. My friend and part-time roomie/landlord Abby is letting me stay at her house when I work multiple days in a row, which is AMAZING. I've already seen a difference in being able to leave within an hour of working instead of an hour and a half, plus savings on gas.
I owe Abby lots of beer and Indian food.
Anyways, I'm sitting in this coffee shop and my first experience in this place was a rough one - I walked in on a snowy day and really needed something hot. I looked at the menu and was overwhelmed with all the ridiculous names of drinks: black and white mocha? Jamaican blend latte? I just walked up to the counter like a deer in headlights and said, "I just want some hot tea" and they guy looked at me a little sideways and rattled off every kind of tea imaginable.
Anyways, today went better. I ordered myself a latte and some oatmeal and I'm chugging out a blog entry before I head into work today.
Overhearing conversations in public places has been a past time of mine for a LONG time. When people don't think others are listening, they will say all manner of crazy shit, and you bet your skinny jeans wearing ass that I'm straining to hear you while I'm trying to look thoughtful about what I'm writing.
I'm never thoughtful. I'm always listening.
For instance - I'm sitting next to a few college girls who are enjoying (obvs fat free) blended coffee drinks of crazy neon green and pink hues, enjoying doughnuts and wearing these headbands
Side rant: I'm sorry, aren't those headbands meant for babies? Do you see the resemblance?
Anyways, they're talking about how they've got issues with this girl, and that girl, and my 4 hour shift is just so long, but if they've got good customers it's okay, and thank GOD I've got today and tomorrow off, and how dare the teacher assign something due March 1!
Another gem from the coffee shop today was a woman who was helping her daughter color in pictures. I overhear her saying,
"No honey, that's not right. The wings have to have symmetry - if you color purple on this wing, you have to color the same wing on the other side purple too"
WHAT THE HELL?! I wanted to turn around and say "Go ahead, girly - color all the wings different colors!" I feel like there is far too much lack of creativity in the world to actively limit what creativity kids might have. If your kid wants to color butterflies 15 different colors, you better be the biggest cheerleader EVER for that kid.
Anyways in other news, I feel like I'm slowly earning my hippie wings.
-I'm planning out a massive vegetable garden for this spring and summer
-My compost is in full swing (I actually had to stop composting food scraps because my composter is filled to the brim!)
-I'm in talks with the man of the house to cancel our trash and recycling service so we can save money by taking it to the dump/recycling center by ourselves.
-I've toyed with the idea of making fabric "paper towels" so we can stop buying those.
-I made my own laundry detergent that works wonderfully!
-Homemade groceries are in full swing, but always looking for more ways to save money on food by sourcing local or growing.
-General house money saving ideas.
If you've got any good tips or ideas, send them my way! :-) Any and all ideas are appreciated!!
Enjoy your snowy Tuesday everyone! I'm on my way to work in a bit and then FINALLY heading home after spending a few days away. Some things you never realize that you miss - cat waking you up by trying to kill you, garage, etc. :-)
I owe Abby lots of beer and Indian food.
Anyways, I'm sitting in this coffee shop and my first experience in this place was a rough one - I walked in on a snowy day and really needed something hot. I looked at the menu and was overwhelmed with all the ridiculous names of drinks: black and white mocha? Jamaican blend latte? I just walked up to the counter like a deer in headlights and said, "I just want some hot tea" and they guy looked at me a little sideways and rattled off every kind of tea imaginable.
Anyways, today went better. I ordered myself a latte and some oatmeal and I'm chugging out a blog entry before I head into work today.
Overhearing conversations in public places has been a past time of mine for a LONG time. When people don't think others are listening, they will say all manner of crazy shit, and you bet your skinny jeans wearing ass that I'm straining to hear you while I'm trying to look thoughtful about what I'm writing.
I'm never thoughtful. I'm always listening.
For instance - I'm sitting next to a few college girls who are enjoying (obvs fat free) blended coffee drinks of crazy neon green and pink hues, enjoying doughnuts and wearing these headbands
Side rant: I'm sorry, aren't those headbands meant for babies? Do you see the resemblance?
Anyways, they're talking about how they've got issues with this girl, and that girl, and my 4 hour shift is just so long, but if they've got good customers it's okay, and thank GOD I've got today and tomorrow off, and how dare the teacher assign something due March 1!
Another gem from the coffee shop today was a woman who was helping her daughter color in pictures. I overhear her saying,
"No honey, that's not right. The wings have to have symmetry - if you color purple on this wing, you have to color the same wing on the other side purple too"
WHAT THE HELL?! I wanted to turn around and say "Go ahead, girly - color all the wings different colors!" I feel like there is far too much lack of creativity in the world to actively limit what creativity kids might have. If your kid wants to color butterflies 15 different colors, you better be the biggest cheerleader EVER for that kid.
Anyways in other news, I feel like I'm slowly earning my hippie wings.
-I'm planning out a massive vegetable garden for this spring and summer
-My compost is in full swing (I actually had to stop composting food scraps because my composter is filled to the brim!)
-I'm in talks with the man of the house to cancel our trash and recycling service so we can save money by taking it to the dump/recycling center by ourselves.
-I've toyed with the idea of making fabric "paper towels" so we can stop buying those.
-I made my own laundry detergent that works wonderfully!
-Homemade groceries are in full swing, but always looking for more ways to save money on food by sourcing local or growing.
-General house money saving ideas.
If you've got any good tips or ideas, send them my way! :-) Any and all ideas are appreciated!!
Enjoy your snowy Tuesday everyone! I'm on my way to work in a bit and then FINALLY heading home after spending a few days away. Some things you never realize that you miss - cat waking you up by trying to kill you, garage, etc. :-)
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Angry Muscle Memory and the Grumps
I'm in such a funk lately, and I can't seem to pop myself out of it.
I'd say it started about a week or two ago when I headed to the gym with my man and it didn't cure my grumpies. I mean, it was just an all around shit gym trip. I walked around the track a few times, then hit the treadmill that was just a million percent wrong for me. The display was confusing, I couldn't figure out how to set the incline or the speed (it either had a Marion Jones setting or geriatric (is Marion Jones still relevant? Am I just too old?)), then the TV was much too high for me unless I had the incline set to 15%, and even then the glare from the lights was way too annoying.
I understand that all of these are minor, little details that shouldn't derail a running session but they truly, truly did. All I managed on the treadmill was about 15 minutes before I was ready to recreate the copier scene from Office Space. I got on the leg press machine just to zone out and try and max out my legs. I only got to 240lbs. Another pain in the ass. I remember back in high school I was in the 400-450lb range. Ever since then, working out has just put me in a crappy mood and I haven't been able to get back that great post-workout feeling that I love. It's just frustrating.
Even over the last few years my body remembers how to do certain things - yoga moves, long stretches of running, biking for 50+ miles - yet somehow my actual body in its stressed out, bloated form can't physically do it. That makes me more angry than anything.
Muscle memory is a great thing. It's the process of your muscles literally learning and remembering how to do things. It's awesome. But when your muscles remember how to do something but your body can't follow through with the action, it messes with your mind.
I haven't yet gotten comfortable with how my body's reacted to all of life's little shit bombs in the last two years, and it's infuriating to not be able to do what used to come so easily for me. It would be like knowing how to read one day and over the course of a few weeks, you can't. You remember that you once could read - that you were excellent at it, but now the words just sort of jumble in your face.
Now, before you send me a barrage of messages telling me that I'll never change how I feel if I don't change what I'm doing - I GET THAT. I understand that a 1,000,000%.
Sometimes a girl just has to bitch a little bit.
So today's plan is just to spend a little time wallowing for a bit. Sometimes it's just something you have to do to get out of it - if you keep pushing a bad mood out of your head without really embracing it, it'll just come back tenfold. Since I've been pushing off this bad mood for a while, it's already been brewing for a while and I think today might be the day to just veg out.
I might need to indulge in a milkshake. Or some fro-yo.
I'd say it started about a week or two ago when I headed to the gym with my man and it didn't cure my grumpies. I mean, it was just an all around shit gym trip. I walked around the track a few times, then hit the treadmill that was just a million percent wrong for me. The display was confusing, I couldn't figure out how to set the incline or the speed (it either had a Marion Jones setting or geriatric (is Marion Jones still relevant? Am I just too old?)), then the TV was much too high for me unless I had the incline set to 15%, and even then the glare from the lights was way too annoying.
I understand that all of these are minor, little details that shouldn't derail a running session but they truly, truly did. All I managed on the treadmill was about 15 minutes before I was ready to recreate the copier scene from Office Space. I got on the leg press machine just to zone out and try and max out my legs. I only got to 240lbs. Another pain in the ass. I remember back in high school I was in the 400-450lb range. Ever since then, working out has just put me in a crappy mood and I haven't been able to get back that great post-workout feeling that I love. It's just frustrating.
Even over the last few years my body remembers how to do certain things - yoga moves, long stretches of running, biking for 50+ miles - yet somehow my actual body in its stressed out, bloated form can't physically do it. That makes me more angry than anything.
Muscle memory is a great thing. It's the process of your muscles literally learning and remembering how to do things. It's awesome. But when your muscles remember how to do something but your body can't follow through with the action, it messes with your mind.
I haven't yet gotten comfortable with how my body's reacted to all of life's little shit bombs in the last two years, and it's infuriating to not be able to do what used to come so easily for me. It would be like knowing how to read one day and over the course of a few weeks, you can't. You remember that you once could read - that you were excellent at it, but now the words just sort of jumble in your face.
Now, before you send me a barrage of messages telling me that I'll never change how I feel if I don't change what I'm doing - I GET THAT. I understand that a 1,000,000%.
Sometimes a girl just has to bitch a little bit.
So today's plan is just to spend a little time wallowing for a bit. Sometimes it's just something you have to do to get out of it - if you keep pushing a bad mood out of your head without really embracing it, it'll just come back tenfold. Since I've been pushing off this bad mood for a while, it's already been brewing for a while and I think today might be the day to just veg out.
I might need to indulge in a milkshake. Or some fro-yo.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Dear boys and girls of the world,
I am in a crabby mood, therefore, here comes a bitingly witty post just for you little crab cakes.
Today, like most Thursdays lately, is one of my days off. I have a very odd schedule (well not that odd: one or two days a week, then every other weekend. Capiche?) and so when I have strings of days off at a time I really try to pack everything I have to do in those days off. Cleaning, shopping, working out, studying, crazy Pinterest benders, etc. etc. But this week has just been OFF.
I woke up on Monday and worked out for 4 hours and 45 minutes. I didn't write that wrong, I was just so much of a badass on Monday that I just kept working out until I was ready to go to bed.
Tuesday I worked. Nothing too ground shattering about it, but I didn't work out.
Yesterday I woke up and went to a business networking/marketing meeting which was AWESOME and had some free breakfast which was NOT AWESOME. Powdered eggs, sausage, some crappy scones, and fruit. The minute I got home I thought "Well that was a great meeting. Too bad I know I'll be puking later today". Now, little monkeys, don't get any ideas. I have no bun in my oven unless I'm baking bread, and I think it was the sausage that was making me feel like I was about to miscarry Satan's offspring. I laid around the rest of the morning in fear of the rapture that I figured was bound to happen. I went to lunch with Sam and the upcoming doom moment was so strong I had to pull over at a gas station. Luckily for me, it was just a close call (unless you count the man who ACTUALLY WALKED IN ON ME IN THE LADIES RESTROOM. ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME DUDE?!?! Twas like a weird Kanye West-Taylor Swift. I'm just trying to do my thing, dude...) and kept going with my day.
After a very slow moving lunch, I decided that the only way to fix my massive stomachache was through exposure therapy.
I got frozen yogurt. It was delicious - I would've been okay tasting all of that again.
I studied the rest of the day and realized just how absolutely screwed I am for midterms. I stupidly scheduled both for TOMORROW, both classes cover roughly 4-5 chapters a PIECE on different topics. One class I'm fairly confident in. The other one I just realized that I haven't written a single damned note for.
This is gonna be GRAND.
So today I woke up with the idea that I'd get up, prep some food (homemade egg rolls for tonight, zucchini parm for tomorrow, minestrone for Saturday, etc. etc.), make some calls, have lunch with an old work friend and then study my butt off.
What did I actually do?
Watch a whole damn season of Bridezillas.
I had ZERO motivation to do ANYTHING. I didn't want to sit or stand, or lay down. I just wanted to just be a big ass blob in the universe and watch other people just absolutely make utter fools of themselves. And it's really okay to laugh, because they all asked to have it be taped and broadcast.
When Sam asked if I wanted to head to the gym, it was the LAST thing I wanted to do. I would've rather just curled up and gone to bed. But, as the kick ass girlfriend I am, I put on my big girl panties and headed out.
Bad idea.
I parked (backing into a concrete light pole in the process), couldn't figure out the treadmill, had a perma-wedgie, looked like I peed all over myself because of me sweating, AND I didn't even feel much better after going. Plus, I just cannot stand when I see effing gym bunnies rocking out on the elliptical or seeing them run on the track. Or stretching. Or really just being anywhere around me. Tiny girls don't motivate me. Ripped people motivate me. So the next time I see this in the gym...
...it makes me want to scream my head off. The LAST thing I want to see when you're stretching, running, walking or doing yoga are your knockers. I'm all for expressing yourself in your clothes, but the gym isn't really a place for that. And trust me, I'm not women hating. I'm all for if you've got 'em flaunt 'em, but make sure they're not causing nearby babies to start rooting. I wonder what would happen if I just folded a dollar bill the long way and dropped it on her mat whilst passing her.
Anyways, we made it home and I'm just a ball of effing sunshine while making dinner. The egg rolls turned out okay, and so did the stir fry, but that damn brown rice takes forever and a day to make! 45 minutes? I do not have that kind of time!!
Hopefully a beer will help me relax. Or some more frozen yogurt. Hopefully studying will happen at some point.
Adios, my blogging buddies :-) Hopefully my angry rant suffices as a decent post.
Today, like most Thursdays lately, is one of my days off. I have a very odd schedule (well not that odd: one or two days a week, then every other weekend. Capiche?) and so when I have strings of days off at a time I really try to pack everything I have to do in those days off. Cleaning, shopping, working out, studying, crazy Pinterest benders, etc. etc. But this week has just been OFF.
I woke up on Monday and worked out for 4 hours and 45 minutes. I didn't write that wrong, I was just so much of a badass on Monday that I just kept working out until I was ready to go to bed.
Tuesday I worked. Nothing too ground shattering about it, but I didn't work out.
Yesterday I woke up and went to a business networking/marketing meeting which was AWESOME and had some free breakfast which was NOT AWESOME. Powdered eggs, sausage, some crappy scones, and fruit. The minute I got home I thought "Well that was a great meeting. Too bad I know I'll be puking later today". Now, little monkeys, don't get any ideas. I have no bun in my oven unless I'm baking bread, and I think it was the sausage that was making me feel like I was about to miscarry Satan's offspring. I laid around the rest of the morning in fear of the rapture that I figured was bound to happen. I went to lunch with Sam and the upcoming doom moment was so strong I had to pull over at a gas station. Luckily for me, it was just a close call (unless you count the man who ACTUALLY WALKED IN ON ME IN THE LADIES RESTROOM. ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME DUDE?!?! Twas like a weird Kanye West-Taylor Swift. I'm just trying to do my thing, dude...) and kept going with my day.
I'mma letchu finish peeing, I just wanted to check to see if you were okay...
After a very slow moving lunch, I decided that the only way to fix my massive stomachache was through exposure therapy.
I got frozen yogurt. It was delicious - I would've been okay tasting all of that again.
I studied the rest of the day and realized just how absolutely screwed I am for midterms. I stupidly scheduled both for TOMORROW, both classes cover roughly 4-5 chapters a PIECE on different topics. One class I'm fairly confident in. The other one I just realized that I haven't written a single damned note for.
This is gonna be GRAND.
So today I woke up with the idea that I'd get up, prep some food (homemade egg rolls for tonight, zucchini parm for tomorrow, minestrone for Saturday, etc. etc.), make some calls, have lunch with an old work friend and then study my butt off.
What did I actually do?
Watch a whole damn season of Bridezillas.
I had ZERO motivation to do ANYTHING. I didn't want to sit or stand, or lay down. I just wanted to just be a big ass blob in the universe and watch other people just absolutely make utter fools of themselves. And it's really okay to laugh, because they all asked to have it be taped and broadcast.
When Sam asked if I wanted to head to the gym, it was the LAST thing I wanted to do. I would've rather just curled up and gone to bed. But, as the kick ass girlfriend I am, I put on my big girl panties and headed out.
Bad idea.
I parked (backing into a concrete light pole in the process), couldn't figure out the treadmill, had a perma-wedgie, looked like I peed all over myself because of me sweating, AND I didn't even feel much better after going. Plus, I just cannot stand when I see effing gym bunnies rocking out on the elliptical or seeing them run on the track. Or stretching. Or really just being anywhere around me. Tiny girls don't motivate me. Ripped people motivate me. So the next time I see this in the gym...
Maybe it's a good thing that she looks like she's in a home gym...
...it makes me want to scream my head off. The LAST thing I want to see when you're stretching, running, walking or doing yoga are your knockers. I'm all for expressing yourself in your clothes, but the gym isn't really a place for that. And trust me, I'm not women hating. I'm all for if you've got 'em flaunt 'em, but make sure they're not causing nearby babies to start rooting. I wonder what would happen if I just folded a dollar bill the long way and dropped it on her mat whilst passing her.
Anyways, we made it home and I'm just a ball of effing sunshine while making dinner. The egg rolls turned out okay, and so did the stir fry, but that damn brown rice takes forever and a day to make! 45 minutes? I do not have that kind of time!!
Hopefully a beer will help me relax. Or some more frozen yogurt. Hopefully studying will happen at some point.
Adios, my blogging buddies :-) Hopefully my angry rant suffices as a decent post.
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