Monday, July 7, 2014

I Forgot I Was Fat

Happy Monday y'all. I hope everyone enjoyed their Fourth of July festivities - I took my "annual" (even though it's just the second time it's happened) trip to Indiana to visit my best friend. This time around he had the weekend off, so we actually got to hang out and do things instead of me sitting in his apartment tearing it apart looking for incriminating things (homeboy does not keep a lot of stuff, so it's quite hard to accomplish if you don't count the adorable skull print boxers).

I drove down after work on Thursday - and I remembered why I despise driving in Illinois.  A good session of rush-hour driving on a toll highway in Illinois is enough to drive anyone batty. But after THREE HOURS, I made it out of Illinois and headed alllllllll the way down to southern Indiana, home of the Hoosiers.

I ended up arriving around 11pm, and instead of going right to bed like a normal person, broski and I sat up talking for a few hours.  I'm yawning and my eyes are watering at the very thought of it. At about 3:30 in the god damned morning, I hit the couch and didn't move for a good chunk of time, thank goodness. 

The next day brought eggs, bacon, coffee and a semi-loosely put together plan for the day.  Head to the beach (Lake Monroe) for a grill out with a few of his friends, then head to another friend's place for a Fourth of July grill out.  When I say "semi-loosely", I mean as loosely as plans can be while still being plans.  We forgot: to bring our swimsuits, charcoal, plates, forks, knives, cups, ice, flip flops, and towels. We basically just put a six pack of beer in a bag and showed up only to find out beer wasn't allowed on the beach.  After a re-do, we had things slightly more in control, and relaxing by the water happened.  

Now, I haven't worn a swim suit in public in YEARS. Ever since my uncle told me on the beaches of Florida, "Well, you look okay, but you could stand to lose 10 or 15 more pounds" -- while I was at my lowest weight -- I've stuck to tank tops and shorts or parkas and muumuus as my beach couture fashion pieces.  I had brought my one piece lap suit with me in the event I could sneak off and do some swimming in the lake without a soul seeing me, but alas no opportunity presented itself.  But I put it on, thinking I'd just suck my stomach in and stick my chest out and hope no one had vision while I was there. 

While I didn't end up going in the water, I actually felt really comfortable in my suit (under my tank top and shorts).  His friends and I got along great, we chit chatted, drank beer on the sly and had a really great day by the beach.  I realized as my buddy and I were driving back to his place that I hadn't made one disparaging comment about myself and my weight, even though discussing beachwear and swimming has always been an open minefield of me making beached whale comments about myself.  It was really nice to not constantly play a loop of self deprecating comments about myself, for once in what has felt like years. 

That night we continued the festivities, staying with those two friends and heading over to a grill out and their aunt's house.  Ribs, steak, chicken, potato salad, cake, dip, chips... you name it, I took it in.  I gnawed the meat off some of the most tender ribs I've ever eaten and gave the bones to the dog to enjoy, I gladly took seconds and thirds of beer and even tried some White Lightning (after all we were on the north end of The South...) 

Mmmm young Burt Reynolds....

Again, on the way home I silently took stock of the day and the events and I realized, I had a really, really good time and didn't worry about things like if I had a stomach pooch or if I looked piggish taking more food. Again, it was like I was magically given extra time to enjoy myself  - self loathing and worrying about what you look like to others really eats up a lot of time. 

The next day we went kayaking out on the lake, remembered how much of a workout kayaking is, grabbed dinner, and hit the town for some good ol' fashioned college bar drinking.  After all, there IS Indiana University there... so ya know...when in Rome, right? 

Overall, it was an awesome trip and a perfect chance to really figure out what's important in my world: friends, laughter, food (obvs), enjoying what my body can do (kayaking and some pretty epic burps).  What DOESN'T fit on that list is the constant picking apart of my body.  The constant mental put downs. The nonstop "Why do you think you can do X or wear Y or say Z because all people see is a fat girl."

People see me for who I am.  A hilarious, outspoken, outgoing woman who has better things to worry about than whether that tank top makes her look like her arms are flabby.  

I'm so glad that this weekend I forgot that I was fat. 

Enjoy your week, everyone! 

Monday, June 2, 2014

How Janey Got Her Groove Back.

It was just a normal Monday. I didn't expect anything crazy to happen - just a regular Monday. I went to work, worked worked worked, and left for the gym. Now, I've been avoiding the gym much like a dudebro avoids the bar where he picked up a one-night-stand, but today I thought "I'm just going to go and pick out a class. Be it a weights class, spin class or cardio - I just want to

So I walked in. Little did I know that this would be the day that my life would change...

Has happened more than a few times...

Now, a little backstory. I joined my current gym when I moved back to town, expecting to get back to my gym rat days - spending two to three hours after work taking classes, working out, teaching classes, etc. Generally getting ripped, and not even in the Girls Gone Wild way. The one thing I didn't bank on is the social aspect. When I had moved to Minnesota, I was single, I was working at a place with 40-50 year olds with families and children and no desire whatsoever to hang out with a twentysomething with no friends. But back in my old stomping grounds - ahhh, I forgot about how many people are around me to hang out with. And, being ever so modest, I forgot that when I arrived, folks wanted to hang out with me - a lot!  Turns out living in a different state for four years really makes people miss you.

But that's besides the point.  Either way, my plan to get back to douchebro status at the gym didn't quite work out the way I wanted. I tried out a few classes at the gym by my house, only to be met with all the instructors I didn't mesh with AT. ALL. [Side note: I've been searching the Internet for fitness memes, but they're coming off waayyyy too sexist and douchey, so we might be a little light on the visuals today. Deal with it.]  So between feeling way too out of shape to go to the gym (yes, that is a thing), and not really getting a good vibe from any of the instructors I met .... it wasn't a good time.  I skipped workouts, made up excuses why I didn't want to go, or just plain dug my heels in and got stubborn.


Today I walked in and asked about a spin class. I walked in and grabbed a bike at the front of the class. And then something magical happened.  The class started. 

It was amazing. 
It was inspiring. 
It hurt like a motherfucker. 
It was like taking a class with my favorite trainer from Minnesota all over again. 

I used to teach spin, and I tried to format my classes a certain way. It allowed me time to talk to the students, inspire them with words, and frankly not just pant into the microphone like a heavy breather into a phone receiver.  Taking this class was like taking a class with myself a few years ago.  It was JUST what I needed to get out of my funk (fingers crossed) and get me back in the groove of going every day or twice a day (thanks, Half Ironman being in just over a month and a half). And really - it gives me a great reason to eat allllll the food. 

Well, and Ironman. But mostly life. Motherfucker. 

Life certainly is shaping up - I'm on the best workout high from a great class, work is working just wonderfully, I've got a special someone in my life who's turning out to be pleasantly awesome, and summer seems to be in the works!! Time to gear up on the outdoor fun :-) 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Eating Your Way Out Of Social Media

Just a short one tonight, folks... 
Seriously, people. Look these guys up. Dangerdust is no joke. 

Anyways, things have been movin' and shakin' in my world, and for once it's very refreshing to me. I keep busy and keep telling myself "OH MAN! Self, remember to post this on Facebook!" "OH SNAP! Self, Instagram the shit outta this!" And all of a sudden, I stopped. 

I realized I kind of hate social media. I'm super deep in bed with it, but I often times hate being part of it. It's become such a necessary evil in so many lives that I think it's hard to come back up to the real world for air. It makes you really think about what's important.  

-Is it really important to Instagram that chicken pot pie I made the other night?  Perhaps not. It was delicious as all get out, but I'm sure my followers aren't going to change the mission in their lives because they laid eyes on it. 
-Is it really important to bitch about your job on Facebook or Twitter? No, and in a lot of cases, it can and will get you fired.  I understand needing to vent - that's what coffee shops and bars are for. Plus, when it's constant, it makes people irked.  There's support, and then there's "here we go again..."  
-Is it really important to change my relationship status to let all 464 of my friends that I'm dating this smart, funny, kind, generous, amazing guy? Meh. I figure - the important thing about any relationship that I'm in is how I feel about being in a relationship with him, and how he feels about being in a relationship with me. Not exactly what the 464 of my friends think. 

Either way, the idea that I'm hoping to get around to is this - sometimes it's a really really good idea to step away from the screens and just LIVE. Who cares if you're not updating the world on every little thing you do? I'm just as guilty as everyone else, but I hope to start changing the pattern over the next few weeks.  Yes, I'll definitely continue posting my hilarious The Office quotes, memes and quotes.  But I'm going to really try and come up to breathe every now and then, and really appreciate everything that's happening in my world.

As promised, this was short, sweet and rambly.  Enjoy it, I've got a few more in the hopper - hoping to get them out this weekend! :-)

Thursday, April 10, 2014

"Ready, OK!" Jane, the Life Cheerleader

Okay, so every once and a while I get out of The Bitter Barn, take off my Snarky Pants and grab my Positive Pom Poms, pull up my Sassy Pants and just go on a rampage of motivation and positivity.  So much so that I believe I start to shit rainbows and fart glitter.

But you know what?  I do it when I see my friends struggling.  Doesn't matter what they're struggling with, but it always seems to be able to get organized into two (among others) boxes:
  • Work Mumbo Jumbo
  • Relationship Rhino Whino
Alright, kids. Let's do this *cracks knuckles* 

I know there are times your job sucks.  People suck, your boss sucks, your job sucks, and your coworkers suck.  It's to be expected. It is basically how the real world works. You get out of college, high school, tech school, night school, court ordered alcohol classes, prison school, etc. etc. and this is what you get.  Long gone are the days where you could sit around in a coffee shop or a bar with your friends (fuck you to both Friends and How I Met Your Mother), or the 'cool' jobs where you host parties and wear designer clothes all the live long damn day (I'm looking at you, Laguna Beach and The Hills, "reality show" my ass), and in are the days where you wake up dreading driving that commute and hoping the building might be on fire so you won't have to go in, pulling into that parking lot, punching in and living a sad cubicle life for a majority of the day.  But here's a really good point that people need to remember:

It. Pays. The. Bills.

I'm not sure about you guys, but my folks were NOT fond of me calling them up and asking for several thousand dollars so they could float me, my rent, my bills and my increasing gin and tonic IV drip while I went to explore my dreams.  They told me I had "responsibilities" and that I was an "adult" and that I should "act like it". Pfft. But sometimes you really need to just put on the big kid underoos and head to work for a few years, grovel like the rest of the monkeys and earn a living. Besides, and this is one life lesson that I've learned very early on. Leave work at work. I'm not talking paperwork that your boss told you to do "God damnit Jane if I've told you once I've told you a million times get that TPS report into me by the end of the day and do not put a cover sheet on it!", but the stress and the thoughts about work. The more you think about your crappy job when you're not at your crappy job, it's like you're working overtime, not getting paid for it, and you're exhausting your brain and your body.  Just relax.

Punch out. Go home. Don't punch anyone out, however (PS - isn't that knockout game the most absolute stupidest fucking thing ever conceived? I believe we need a few well-placed snipers with paint balls to take care of this little problem).

In the meantime?  Do what you love in your off-time. Volunteer. Walk dogs. Throw paint on fur coats. Whatever floats your boat and fills your soul tank to "full", do that. If you keep your happiness/soul tank at full, then work sometimes becomes less of a hassle because you're surrounding yourself with other things that you like to do.


I've been promising a few of my friends that I'd be showcasing them in a dating blog soon - don't worry you guys, you'll have your 10 minutes of anonymity-laden fame - Momma's gotta sit down and write this shit first. But I consistently get a stream of dating woes from many folks. Don't get me wrong, I love the stories I hear, people asking my opinion about a lot of things related to dating (as if I'm some sort of expert, bahaha), and again, a lot of my advice boils down to some agonizingly simple things:

-What do YOU want?
-Do YOU like this fellow/lady?
-Are YOU comfortable with using a ball gag?

Simple things people. Don't complicate the world by trying to figure out what's going on in other peoples' heads - that is THEIR responsibility. Not your job to decipher their brain AND your own.

Frankly, the world of dating exhausts and frustrates me because it's all "games" and "how to go about going through the stages" and the fact there are "stages" at all makes me furious. Are there "stages" of going on a trip?  Sure, I suppose, but most of it can be boiled down to "go on the trip". I have long stopped doing the "the right person is out there, you just have to stop looking for him/her" crap - just do what YOU want to do and be happy with it. If you happen to find another human that wants to hang out and do the same things and like you, AWESOME BLOSSOM. If not, then you're doing what you love either way.

There you go. You're welcome. That'll be $150.

Bottom line kids, just be yourself and do what you like. The rest seems to fall into place. 

-John Lennon

Friday, March 14, 2014

Jane's Dating Adventure: A Sneak Peek Into My Box

Message box, that is.  What were you thinking?

Just like any other time I mean to write a deep, meaningful, serious blog entry, I think of nothing but funny blog topics, and then my little brain starts chugging away in all different directions. So here we are.

Anyways, I've reevaluated my priorities and just how willing I am to wade through the epic horse shit that is online dating profiles, and the resounding results show that I'm not all that willing. It's funny, don't get me wrong, but if I read that one more guy is "laid-back, easy-going and adventurous", I'm going to stab someone in the eye with a pick axe (no doubt my pick axe from my super adventurous trip unearthing rare fossils in Egypt - lookit how adventurous and exciting I am!). 

I fear, however, that not a lot of people really get what I mean when I talk about the ridiculous shit I get from guys online. "No guy can be that stupid" or "Are you serious that that one guy said that?" Well, ladies and gents, I do know how to read, and I'm with you - I didn't think guys could be that ridiculous. 

Oh, how wrong I was.

And this blog entry I'll be using my good ol' pal, screen shots. Because let's face it - I can. And if your OK Cupid username has the word "penis" in it, let's face it - you've got bigger issues than me screen shotting you in my blog.

So I give you - the best of the best of the best jackasses and hopeless folks of online dating.

This gentleman, "William, The Puerto Rican" seems genuine and kind of information generator.  This was the first message I got from Sir William, and yet I did not reply. As much as I want a dude with a boat.

This guy was a doozy. Apparently he was SUPER interested until I told him that I wasn't looking for a hook up. Then strangely enough, Mr. Looking For Eventual Love disappeared. Oops.

This guy was interesting in a self-deprecating way.  He was a VERY handsome man of black and Irish heritage, tall tall tall, and seemed promising. What made him not my type was the two children he had with two women, both of whom were in fierce custody battles with him.  Look, I have a hard enough time keeping my own shit in line most of the time, I don't need to invite anyone else's to the fruit basket party.

Now, THIS DUDE. OH LAWD.  All he wanted to do was kiss. Just meet up for a "spontaneous makeout session, no pressure".  This kinda sounds like the perfect "How To Catch A Predator" situation. I'd be surprised NOT ONE BIT if I saw Chris Hansen pop out of the bushes with a camera crew.  Note the date: November 16th.  This Eric dudebro had first messaged me IN JUNE. This means it had been going on for FIVE MONTHS of still trying to get together to make out. I told him I'd be willing to meet him for a drink, some dinner so we could get together and know each other. He said that was too much pressure. Uh.... are you a real human being?  And then the dick pics came. And oh, my. Some gents shouldn't send dick pics. Especially completely unsolicited dick pics. Because when a woman says "no", it actually means "send me a picture of your genitals".  But to Eric, I say thank you. I've sent your dick pics to several other homeboys who feel the need to show me their manhood. I send them yours and say "I didn't know we were playing show and tell!"

Now, we've looked at some of the gentleman who have talked to me.  We haven't talked about the people I just see as I peruse through the sites.

He must have a great personality. 

Again - GREAT smile. Very open and he seems personable. 

And the coup de grace: I had sent a guy a message just saying hi and made some breezy yet charming joke about something on his profile *flips hair and laughs* and this is the message I received back.  I have never face-palmed harder in my LIFE. This and this alone was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back for me for online dating. 

You, Mr. "I'll Be Upfront And Honest" are a gem.  While you ARE honest and up front, you leave a lot to be desired in any kind of company. 

The above representation of online guys is probably why I've gone pretty silent on the online dating front. I'll pop into my profile once a week or so just to see who's creeping around, but generally it's the same vermin who've been around before. 

Up next - another dating entry, but from my perspective on other people's dating life :-) Stay tuned, my lovely readers! 

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Lazy Saturday

Hello from your most silent blogger! Things have been crazy since Christmas so blogging has taken a bit of a place on the back burner. Sorry.

I've got about a dozen blog posts started and not finished. I've got tons of ideas for things to write about and share and do and what do I lack?


Ugh. It's always been my issue. And my other issue is moderation. I tend to go from zero to a million miles to zero again. I usually get a bug up my ass, hit something new SO HARD I burn myself out, and then end up injured or too tired to keep up my zealous pace for very long.

It sucks.  But I am slowly changing my ways.

But first: I've got to finish a few blog posts and get them up from the months and months I've been slacking on.

Talk to y'all soon :)

In other news, here is my current crush. Mmmmm Pharrell. His new "Happy" 24 hour music video is PHENOMENAL. Check it out.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014